SELFISH PRICKS
It’s no surprise to most that we have been inundated by a generation of selfish pricks who care only about themselves. If something goes wrong, it’s everyone’s fault but theirs. On May the 8th at Denver airport, we can see a classic example of these mindless, self-centered cretins in action.
Here’s a picture from one of the passengers (Rachel Naftel) after the evacuation of their flight from Detroit to Denver. You will notice how many of them, selfish pricks all, are carrying their luggage. Anyone who’s ever listened to the safety brief by the aircraft crew knows that, in the event of an evacuation, you leave your belongings behind. (Notice the ground they’re on. Remember, in the book, I talk about the need to wear solid shoes and keep them on until the seat belt sign goes off. What if there had been burning fuel on the ground and debris? Do you really want to run through it barefoot or in flip-flops?)
WHY CAN’T I TAKE MY LUGGAGE?
Because experts know that, in the event of an emergency, you’ve got 90 seconds to get everyone off. Ninety seconds! Every second you delay could cost someone behind you their life. That’s why the airlines want people in the exit row to be physically capable of lifting the door and throwing it. They also need you to be able to speak English. Of course, that never stops frail weaklings from trying to book those exit rows. Your safety? Forget it. Their comfort comes first.
AIRCREW DISGUSTED
In a follow-up interview of aircrew, some active and some retired, every one of them lambasted these selfish douchebags for what they did. Had that plane caught fire, people would have died due to everyone who stopped to grab their carry-on. It’s best summed up by Sara Nelson, president of the Association of Flight Attendants-CWA: “Passengers stopping to grab their bags during an evacuation can be a matter of life and death for themselves and others around them. Flight attendants are trained to evacuate a plane in 90 seconds or less. Every second counts.”
The most commonly cited reason for evacuations becoming bogged down and taking longer than 90 seconds? You guessed it. Selfish pricks trying to take items through the emergency exits. One flight attendant got into a fight with a passenger who was trying to take his guitar through. (I wish I’d been on that flight. He and I would have had a quick discussion)
POSSIBLE REMEDIES
A friend of mine suggested installing a lock on the overhead bins so that, in the event of an emergency, the aircrew can push a button and seal the whole thing shuts. The problem with that is that a) the fire could be caused by something inside the overheads, and b) a lot of emergency equipment is stored up there.
I prefer the one I saw by an attendant while reading the story about their disgust. Her name escapes me, but she said “Fine them $5,000 for every piece of luggage they’re holding when they get off.” I think that is a brilliant idea, but of course, good luck hoping the bureaucrats over at the FAA will ever implement it. It’s America. People will have to be burned to death first then they’ll think about it.
Alternatively, you could tell everyone, “If you’re the sort of mindless, self-centered dipshit that thinks you should be able to grab your luggage before evacuating and that you’re more important than everyone else, please move down the back. All the people unencumbered by their luggage will be the first off, you guys get to go last.”
Don’t be that guy (again).
