Lazarus Has Risen
My bodyguard training paid off. My client was supposed to have a broken leg. The accident happened on a walk to inspect some property when he went down, and the team medic deemed it broken. I was the team leader therefore, I began organizing taking care of him. Behind us, on the firing line of the range, was an old wooden door so I sent some of my guys to fetch it to use as an improvised stretcher. After that, I sent some others to grab sticks to use as splints and Barry to get his station wagon to evacuate our casualty.
The door came and was going to work perfectly. In addition, the guys came back with appropriate splints, and the medic splinted and bandaged the client’s leg. In no time, we had him on the door and lifted him to take him back to the range parking lot. We assumed Barry would be showing up there with our improvised ambulance. Barry, it seemed, had other ideas. Ah yes, bodyguard training and the characters you meet.
The Professionals
Does anyone remember the British TV show the Professionals with Body and Doyle? Barry did. (for those of you who don’t know, check a few episodes on YouTube as you’re in for a treat. It’s about an organization staffed by ex-cops and former soldiers. It’s run by a guy called Cowley and is set up to fight terrorists ) In every episode, someone would come screaming around the corner and do a massive handbrake turn or drift through the corners. Barry figured he’d impress us all by doing some of that in his station wagon. However, the only problems were that a) Barry wasn’t a stunt driver, b) he was on wet grass, and c) we were all in the way.
Run!!!
We all heard the whine of the engine expecting it to stop at the entrance to the range however, it didn’t. Barry came over the concrete pad, under the awning, and out onto the grass. His plan was to pull a 180 handbrake turn, pop the back door and have us slide the client in. It all went awry due to the wet grass, and, therefore, rather than spinning just once, Barry’s motor kept spinning. Round and round it went like a giant weed whacker threatening to take out anyone in its path.
Client’s Cured
My client demonstrated one of the fastest recoveries in medical history. Upon spotting the incoming Barry, he leaped to his feet, screaming, “fook that,” and took off running. His splinted leg was doing great big 360-degree whirly circles as he hopped along on his “good” leg. The rest of us, recognizing a good plan when we saw one, followed him. We scattered in all directions to dodge the incoming vehicular missile. It careened past us as we ran, watching Barry’s hapless face behind the windscreen, frantically turning the wheel, trying to bring it under control.
Shooting pistols is an integral part of bodyguard training. The instructors had a set of very expensive gas-operated turning targets. These could be set to spin and return in any length of time they desired. Barry’s station wagon spun right through the lot, taking all but the end ones out. For a second, it was like a giant outdoor bowling alley as the targets went down like ninepins. After that, the cylinder that was hit vented into the air with a massive hiss, and the hose began to whip around like a demented snake.
Exercise
Thank god the whole thing was only a graduation exercise for C.Q.B. Services’ excellent bodyguard training course. Run by the legendary Dennis Martin and Lofty Weismann of 22SAS, the course was labeled as the best protection training outside of govt circles. Barry had pretty much exposed himself as a Walter Mitty wannabe on our first night on the course. We’d all met in the kitchen of our training center in the hills of Wales and had to introduce ourselves to the cadre. Most guys were ex-law enforcement or military, with the odd fireman or gamekeeper looking for a career change. Barry stood up and announced, with his quirky speech impediment, that he was “Bawwy,” and that he was “a stweetfighter.” Eyes rolled all around the room, and you could see the cadre saying in their heads, “oh dear.”
The Course
The bodyguard training course itself was great, and I’ll cover it here in the next couple of blogs. There are, it seems, Bawwys all over the world, no matter where you train. If you have a story about one yourself from any courses, you’ve been on, be sure and stick it in a reply.
